Fun way to be more successful

http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/09/be-more-successful/

New Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More Successful

We all want to be more successful.
But everything you read probably sounds like a lot of work. Isn’t there a scientifically proven method that’s a little more… fun? There is.
Shawn Achor is the bestselling author of The Happiness Advantage and for years at Harvard he studied exactly that: happiness.
He gave an extremely popular (and, in my opinion, the all-time funniest) TED talk.

 

And his ideas even attracted the attention of Oprah Winfrey, who filmed an interview with him.
What’s so special about Shawn’s work? His research shows that success doesn’t bring happiness — happiness brings success.
He did what a lot of researchers never do: instead of scrubbing the freak outliers from the data he aggressively studied them.
He wanted to know what people with happiness superpowers do that we don’t.
Here’s Shawn:

Instead of deleting those people that are weirdos in the data what we do is we intentionally study them. We try and find out why it is that while an entire sales force has low numbers, we’re finding three or four people whose sales are skyrocketing. Or we’re looking at a low socioeconomic school in Chicago, where the academic scores are below average, there are a couple students whose grades are skyrocketing. By studying those outliers, what we’re doing is we’re gleaning information not on how to move subpar performers up toward that average point, but how to move people from average to superior.

Shawn believes (and his research shows) that you can do things to be happier. And being happier will make you more successful.
I gave Shawn a call to find out what he’s learned. Want more joy and success in your life? Here’s what Shawn had to say.

1) Success Brings Happiness? No. Happiness Brings Success.

We all chase success hoping it will make us happy:

1. I’ll be happy once I get that promotion.
2. I’ll be happy once I get that raise.
3. I’ll be happy once I lose 15 pounds.

But the research shows that isn’t true. You achieve a goal and you’re briefly happier… but then you’re looking toward the next big thing.
What Shawn’s research showed was when you flip the formula and focus on increasing happiness, you end up increasing success.
Here’s Shawn:

If we can get somebody to raise their levels of optimism or deepen their social connection or raise happiness, turns out every single business and educational outcome we know how to test for improves dramatically. You can increase your success rates for the rest of your life and your happiness levels will flatline, but if you raise your level of happiness and deepen optimism it turns out every single one of your success rates rises dramatically compared to what it would have been at negative, neutral, or stressed.

MET Life saw such great results among happy salespeople that they tried an experiment: they started hiring people based on optimism.
And that was even if those people performed poorly on the standard industry “aptitude test.” What was the result?

It turns out that the optimistic group outsold their more pessimistic counterparts by 19% in year one and 57% in year two.

How can this be? Shawn explained that intelligence and technical skills only predict 25% of success:

If we know the intelligence and technical skills of an employee, we can actually only predict about 25% of their job success. 75% of long term job success is predicted not by intelligence and technical skills, which is normally how we hire, educate and train, but it’s predicted by three other umbrella categories. It’s optimism (which is the belief that your behavior matters in the midst of challenge), your social connection (whether or not you have depth and breadth in your social relationships), and the way that you perceive stress.

And students who want success in their future should worry a little less about grades and more about optimism.
Shawn found that rolling a pair of dice was as predictive of your future income as your college GPA is. (And millionaires agree.)
(For more on how to be more optimistic, click here.)
So your attitude has a huge effect on how successful you are. What was the most powerful thing Shawn learned from looking at those happiness outliers?

2) See Problems As Challenges, Not Threats

Shawn did a study of bankers right after the huge banking crisis hit. Most of them were incredibly stressed. But a few were happy and resilient.
What did those guys have in common? They didn’t see problems as threats; they saw them as challenges to overcome.
Here’s Shawn:

What these positive outliers do is that when there are changes that occur in the economic landscape or the political landscape or at an educational institution, they see those changes not as threats, but as challenges.

So those people are just wired differently and our duty is to envy them, right? Nope. Shawn did an experiment that proved this attitude can be learned.
Just by showing the normal bankers a video explaining how to see stress as a challenge, he turned sad bankers into super-bankers.
Here’s Shawn:

And we watched those groups of people over the next three to six weeks, and what we found was if we could move people to view stress as enhancing, a challenge instead of as a threat, we saw a 23% drop in their stress-related symptoms. It produced a significant increase not only in levels of happiness, but a dramatic improvement in their levels of engagement at work as well.

(For more on what the happiest people do every day, click here.)
But what about when there’s just too much to do? Maybe there are more “challenges” than you can handle.
Should we just give up on any chance of work-life balance? Cancel those plans with friends and spend more hours at the office?
Once again the answer is the exact opposite.

3) Twice As Much Work Means You Need Friends Twice As Much

After doing his undergraduate work at Harvard, Shawn was a proctor there, helping freshman adapt to the often stressful, competitive environment.
Many students would respond to the workload by living in the library and eating meals in their bedrooms so they could keep studying.
Did those students perform better? No. Those were the ones who burned out; the ones who ended up wanting to transfer to another school.
Shawn would tell them what they had unknowingly done was cut themselves off from the greatest predictor of happiness.
Here’s Shawn:

The people who survive stress the best are the ones who actually increase their social investments in the middle of stress, which is the opposite of what most of us do.
Turns out that social connection is the greatest predictor of happiness we have when I run them in my studies. When we run social support metrics, they trump everything else we do, every time.

And what did we just learn about happiness? It predicts success. And it was no different here:

We found that social connection is extremely important for predicting academic achievement.

Want to resist stress, increase productivity and get a promotion? Then don’t just seek social support — provide it to others.
Confirming the research of top Wharton professor Adam Grant, people who provide social support get some of the greatest benefits.
Shawn saw this not only with his students at Harvard but he’s since advised over a third of the Fortune 100 companies — and it worked there too.
Here’s Shawn:

Work altruists were ten times more likely to be engaged than the bottom quartile of that list and the top quartile was significantly happier and 40% more likely to receive a promotion over the next 2-year period of time.

(For more on how work altruism can benefit you, click here.)
Some of you might be thinking, “Alright already, happiness makes you more successful. I get it. But how do I get happier?”
It’s simpler than you think.

4) Send A “Thank You” Email Every Morning

You might think happiness only comes from big wins or big achievements. You’re wrong. Research shows little things are more important.
So Shawn believes rather than focusing on big boosts like vacations, it’s smarter to build little, consistent habits akin to brushing your teeth.
What little habit gives a big happiness boost over time? Send a 2-minute “thank you” email or text as soon as you get into the office.
Here’s Shawn:

The simplest thing you can do is a two-minute email praising or thanking one person that you know. We’ve done this at Facebook, at US Foods, we’ve done this at Microsoft. We had them write a two-minute email praising or thanking one person they know, and a different person each day for 21 days in a row. That’s it. What we find is this dramatically increases their social connection which is the greatest predictor of happiness we have in organizations. It also improves teamwork. We’ve measured the collective IQ of teams and the collective years of experience of teams but both of those metrics are trumped by social cohesion.

What other little daily happiness habits does Shawn recommend?

1. List the things you’re grateful for.
2. Meditate.
3. Exercise.

(For more on five emails that can improve your life, click here.)
Over 120,000 people receive my weekly email. And it’s sent from my real email address. People can reply. And they do.
What’s one of the most common things readers email me to say?

Eric, you suggest all these great things. I read them. I agree with them. But I don’t end up doing any of them. How can I follow through?

Shawn has a great answer for this too.

5) The 20-Second Rule

What stops you from making the changes you know you should? Shawn says it’s “activation energy.”
You know, like the activation energy it takes to initially get your butt off the couch and to the gym. The hard part is getting started.
If you reduce the amount of activation energy required, tough things become easy. So make new habits 20 seconds easier to start.
Shawn would sleep in his gym clothes and put his sneakers next to the bed and it made him much more likely to exercise when he woke up.
Here’s Shawn:

If you can make the positive habit three to 20 seconds easier to start, you’re likelihood of doing it rises dramatically.
And you can do the same thing by flipping it for negative habits. Watching too much television? Merely take out the batteries of the remote control creating a 20 second delay and it dramatically decreases the amount of television people will watch.

(For more easy ways to build new habits, click here.)
So how do we pull all this together? And what was the most inspiring thing Shawn told me about happiness and success?

Sum Up

Here’s what we can all learn from Shawn:

1. Success doesn’t bring happiness. Happiness brings success.
2. See problems as challenges, not threats.
3. More work means you need more social support. And giving support is better than receiving.
4. Send a 2-minute “thank you” email every morning.
5. Use the 20-second rule to build the habit.

Some people might think it’s too hard to get happier. Maybe they’ve suffered from depression.
Or they’ve seen the research that we have a “happiness set point”, and our genetics ultimately decide how happy we can be.
You know what the most inspiring thing Shawn told me was? The latest research shows good habits might trump genes.
Here’s Shawn:

When you look at outliers on the graph, you find people who actually break the tyranny of genes and environment by creating these conscious positive habits that actually cause them to interact with life in a more positive way with higher levels of success, lower levels of stress, and higher levels of resilience. They do it by changing their mindset and changing their habits, and by doing so they actually trump their genes.
Most people accept that they’re just born some way and that’s how they’re going to be the rest of their life, and whatever they were last year is what they’re going to be this year. I think positive psychology shows us that that doesn’t actually have to be the case.

Send a gratitude email right now. It only takes 2 minutes. And send another one tomorrow.
That habit will make you happier. And being happier will make you more successful and deepen your relationships.
Happiness. Success. Strong relationships. What else really matters?

9 ways to prevent depression naturally

http://powerofpositivity.com/9-ways-prevent-depression-naturally/

If you’re going through hell, keep going. – Winston Churchill

Dealing with depression and low moods can sometimes seem insurmountable, but you may be able to take some simple steps to naturally improve your mood. The way we feel is intricately tied to both our actions and our bodies. By improving factors such as sleep, exercise, and diet, you can improve your mood and help to prevent depression. Please note that a doctor or professional psychologist is the best person to advise you about your health, particularly if you are suffering from serious depression. These tips, however, should help most everyone to boost their mood and find some extra happiness.

9 Ways to Naturally Prevent Depression

1. Sleep Well Every Night

Sleep affects everything we do. It not only gives us energy for the day, but is tied to the chemicals in our body. Multiple studies have shown that disturbed sleep or reduced sleep results in impaired function and mood. In the short term, a lack of sleep can create stress, irritability, and short-temperedness. Difficulty sleeping has also been linked to long-term psychiatric and psychological problems. According to a study published in Biological Psychiatry, between 15% and 20% of people diagnosed with insomnia go on to develop major depression. This means that getting a solid 7-9 hours of sleep every night is extremely important to your mental health and emotional well-being.
It’s important to establish a regular cycle of sleeping, which is linked to something called circadian rhythms in the body. You can sleep better when you go to sleep and wake up at the same time every day, and this will help your body to produce more regular amounts of melatonin and serotonin, two important mood regulators. For more tips to help you find more restful sleep, check out our article on getting peaceful sleep no matter how stressed you are.

2. Surround Yourself with Positive Outlets throughout the Day

Surrounding yourself with positivity will go a long way towards improving your mood. When we spend a lot of time focusing on our worries and stress, our mood is bound to go down. It’s important to dedicate some time every day to being around things we enjoy, that make us happy. There are many ways to do this. Spend time with people who make you smile and who help you to look on the bright side of life. Visit your favorite places, or include pictures of them around your working and living space. Give yourself some time to enjoy your favorite habits.
You can even surround your social media activity with positivity. You can follow profiles and pages that regularly post positive information, such as the Power of Positivity page.

3. Stay Active and Exercise

Exercise is strongly linked to mood. In an article for the American Psychological Association, James Blumenthal, a clinical psychologist at Duke University, stated, “There’s good epidemiological data to suggest that active people are less depressed than inactive people.” Exercise helps to relieve stress and anxiety in both the short and long term and in multiple studies has been linked to improved long-term mood and reduced risk for psychological problems. Exercise will also help to give you energy and stay focused. Particularly if you are working at a desk all day, it’s important to make some time for exercise. If you make exercise a regular part of your schedule, you’re likely to notice a positive change in mood.

4. Follow Your Passions

One of the best things you can do to make yourself happy is to follow your passions. Whether it’s a career or a hobby, give yourself the time and freedom to engage in it. Doing something that you care about will be extremely rewarding and will help you to feel happier and more fulfilled. Engaging in a passion will fill your life with time spent doing something you enjoy and feel positive about doing. If you don’t know what you’re passionate about, take some time to try some new things. Look for classes in art, dancing, cooking, playing an instrument, martial arts, or anything else that sparks your interest. Learning something new is also a great way to create excitement and boost your mood.

5. Get at Least 15 Minutes of Sunshine per Day

Sunshine is important to provide you with vitamin D. Recent studies have begun to link vitamin D deficiency with depression. Getting outside for at least 15 minutes every day will deliver some important vitamin D to your body. If you’re inside working for most of the day, take a short break to go for a walk outside. If you can take more time to exercise or relax outside, that’s even better. Spending time outside will also help you to feel more energetic and refocused.
If you live in an area without a lot of sunshine or have a difficult working schedule, you can try taking a supplement to get some extra vitamin D.

6. Help Others

A number of surveys have shown that helping others results in feeling happier and more positive. This is the most effective when getting personally involved, rather than simply giving money. Try volunteering for a cause that matters to you, whether it’s a non-profit organization or simply an activity that helps other people. You may also be able to do something to help your friends or family. Simply lending a hand or giving a compliment can make both you and the others around you feel happier.

7. Eat Enough of the Right Fats

Omega-3 fatty acids have long been known to be important for heart health, but they may also be important for emotional health and mood disorders. A number of recent studies have suggested that omega-3s may help to treat a number of disorders, including depression, postpartum depression, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder. This is because omega-3s are important to the central nervous system and help to transmit signals to the brain, and they may function as antidepressants.
Omega-3 fatty acids can be found naturally in salmon, sardines, herring, mackerel, anchovies, flax, and hazelnuts. You can also take in omega-3s through supplements such as fish oil, krill oils, and flaxseed (also known as linseed) oil.

8. Smile More Often

Sometimes showing outward signs of happiness will help you to feel genuinely happier. Expressions are linked to actual mood, and research has shown that smiling frequently can result in a lower heart rate and less stress. If you make a habit of smiling, you may find that you’re feeling happier and don’t have to make an effort to smile anymore.

9. Replace Negative Thoughts

Often, negative thoughts creep into our minds before we can stop them. Negative emotions such as anger and sadness are natural and often automatic. However, becoming aware of them and working to replace them with positive thoughts can greatly enhance your mood. Sometimes you need to let yourself feel a negative emotion; allow yourself to become aware of it and process it. That way, you can work towards resolving its cause and feel happier in the long-term. For small annoyances and unfounded negative thoughts, you can replace negative feelings with positive ones. If you notice something negative about yourself, someone else, or about a situation, take a second to focus on something positive instead.
This may feel forced at first, but eventually you’ll get in the habit of thinking more positively. This can make you feel happier every day.

12 habits on unhappy people...and how to avoid

http://powerofpositivity.com/12-habits-unhappy-people-avoid/

  

12 Habits of Unhappy People (and How to Avoid Having Them)

 

“I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.” ­– Martha Washington, wife of 1^st U.S. President George Washington

Happiness is something that we all strive to attain. As human beings we can accept the fact that: (a) life is short, and (b) unhappiness makes our lives difficult. As is common knowledge, our habits have a big impact on the quality of life that we live; specifically, these habits directly impact our happiness (or lack thereof). To make a clear distinction, there is a strong difference between clinical depression and chronic unhappiness. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, while unhappiness is a disposition that is often acquired through how we choose to live our lives. Similar to depression, however, unhappiness can be diagnosed and treated.

Here are 12 habits that can cause unhappiness, all of which can be avoided.

1. Chronic Complaining

Happy and successful people do not complain much. On the other side, it seems that chronic complainers always have something negative to say… even when those around them are happy! The bottom line: we all have different circumstances that we are given in this lifetime, but in the end these circumstances are ours – fair or unfair, wanted or unwanted. Instead, seek solutions to problems instead of complaining, which leads to nowhere.

2. Being critical – of self and others

How we talk to ourselves shapes our self-image, for better or worse. Self-worth is an essential component to our happiness, and feeling good about ourselves is a right that we all have. Realize when mistakes are made, accept them, and move on…don’t engage in negative self-talk. Further, respect the inherent differences of others and recognize their right to live happily and without undue criticism.

3. Living beyond means

We live in a materialistic society, one where we are constantly bombarded with advertisements for the latest car, gadget, or credit card; all promising an easier, more fulfilling existence. Don’t believe it for a second. While purchasing a new product may provide a needed emotional boost, it doesn’t last. Ever heard the term “buyer’s remorse”? It exists for a reason. Instead, seek out something to do that doesn’t involve whipping out a piece of plastic – exercise, reading, sightseeing, etc. – anything brings satisfaction without the debt.

4. Negative addictions

Most things are good in moderation – food, a drink or two, entertainment… it’s when these things take center stage in our lives that it becomes a problem. Unfortunately, many good people have met their end through addictive habits, especially through dependence on alcohol and drugs. A great preventative measure and remedy to these addictions? Finding and living our passions to the greatest extent possible (see #8).

5. Regretting the past

Regret is not only useless, it can be extremely harmful. Research continues to show that repetitive, negative thoughts about decisions made in the past in often a precursor to chronic stress and depression. According to Psychology Today, there are four ways to cope with regret: (1) learn from mistakes but don’t dwell, (2) if nothing can be changed about the situation to let it go, (3) make sure too much blame is not being undertaken, and(4) reframing the situation more positively.

6. Worrying about the future

We only have so much say in what our future holds. This is not meant to disempower (quite the opposite); rather it is stating simple truth. What we can do is live in the present while fully exercising our God-given abilities and talents, enabling and empowering us to live a happier existence. There’s that phrase again: living in the present. Face difficulties as they arise and let them go. Enjoy the beautiful things in life and experience them fully…be present.

 7. Being driven by fear

Yes, fear can be an enabler to unhappiness. To fully understand this, we have to again go back to being present. Quite simply, we can’t allow fear of the unknown (and/or the unavoidable) to cripple our quality of life. Fear is a negative thought process that is often on auto pilot. Remember: we are not our negative thoughts. We are not fear, worry, anxiety, or any other negative thought process.

8. Delaying goals and dreams

It’s relatively easy and effortless to get caught up in the routine of life: working, eating, sleeping, maybe even a day or two of doing something fun or relaxing. But here’s the thing: by not directing our talents and passions toward a positive and tangible goal, we potentially discard something great before its realization. The hardest part of living out our goals and dreams is taking the first step. After building a game plan taking that first step, only then can we see the possibilities.

 9. Gossiping

Nothing exudes unhappiness and insecurity more than negative small talk about someone else. After all, why would a happy, confident person engage in something that is of no benefit? They wouldn’t. Gossip is something to be left to the kids at recess, not to adults attempting to make their lives (and others!) better.

10. Holding grudges

Similar to other negative emotions, animosity is a needless weight on our backs. We are all witness to the negative behaviors of other people and can become (sometimes justifiably) angered as a result. But remember: this isn’t about their ignorant behavior; it’s about your happiness. Either forgive, forget, or ignore… and move on with your life.

11. Eating poorly

Ingesting nutritionally-bankrupt food is all about immediate gratification. It’s certainly not about feeling good long-term, as eating poorly can result in bad health, weight gain, depression, lack of energy and decreased productivity; while having a well-balanced diet results in an entirely opposite effect – more energy, a healthy weight, mental alertness, and increased productivity. Eat right, look great, and feel great.

12. Expanding our problems

When we experience unhappiness and discontent, our first reaction is almost entirely emotional. In other words, we blow things completely out of proportion. After all, we still have that darned “lizard brain” (amygdala) – the epicenter of negative emotions. Instead, just take a step back, look at the problem objectively (with minimal emotion), and focus on a solution!

Once aware of these habits, you can make sure to keep them at bay by following the advice mentioned above.
Join the discussion:  What negative habits do you try to avoid?

 

Beyond blue

People with depression or anxiety can find it difficult to take the first step in getting help. They may need to enlist the support of family members, friends o...r a health professional to start on the road to recovery. This wonderful cartoon is by the artist Colleen Butters, it demonstrates the importance of taking that first step in reaching out for help. You can find Colleen's blog, 'Solar Citrus', and the original post here: http://solar-citrus.tumblr.com/tagged/art

You can get started on the road to recovery by visiting http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-started-now or by getting in touch with our Support Service here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

 

 

 

 

How to handle toxic people

http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2014/10/28/comment-how-handle-toxic-people

Comment: How to handle toxic people

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  (AAP)

        

90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress - including neutralising toxic people.

By

Travis Bradberry

28 Oct 2014 - 11:12 AM  UPDATED 28 Oct 2014 - 11:12 AM

Toxic people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife, and worst of all, stress.
 

Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus—an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success—when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.
 

Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.
 

Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions—the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with toxic people—caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome, or just plain craziness, toxic people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.
 

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize toxic people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep toxic people at bay.
 

While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that successful people employ when dealing with toxic people, what follows are twelve of the best. To deal with toxic people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.

They set limits (especially with complainers)

Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.

You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.

They don’t die in the fight

Successful people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.

They rise above

Toxic people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. Which begs the question, why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix?

The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos—only the facts.

They stay aware of their emotions

Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.

Think of it this way—if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.

They establish boundaries

This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to rise above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.

You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

They won’t let anyone limit their joy

When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from the opinions of other people, you are no longer the master of your own happiness. When emotionally intelligent people feel good about something that they’ve done, they won’t let anyone’s opinions or snide remarks take that away from them.

While it’s impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you, you don’t have to compare yourself to others, and you can always take people’s opinions with a grain of salt. That way, no matter what toxic people are thinking or doing, your self-worth comes from within. Regardless of what people think of you at any particular moment, one thing is certain—you’re never as good or bad as they say you are.

They don’t focus on problems—only solutions

Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.

When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.

They don’t forget

Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Successful people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.

They squash negative self-talk

Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs. 

They limit their caffeine intake

Drinking caffeine triggers the release of adrenaline. Adrenaline is the source of the “fight-or-flight” response, a survival mechanism that forces you to stand up and fight or run for the hills when faced with a threat. The fight-or-flight mechanism sidesteps rational thinking in favor of a faster response. This is great when a bear is chasing you, but not so great when you’re surprised in the hallway by an angry coworker.

They get some sleep

I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, shuffling through the day’s memories and storing or discarding them (which causes dreams), so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough—or the right kind—of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present.

A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative, and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.

They use their support system

It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them, and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.

Bringing it all together

Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.

This article was originally published on Quartz. Click here to view the original. © All rights reserved. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.

The black dog : Introduction

 

This page is specially dedicated to all who is having it and fighting against it now, or those who once had been in this situation and gone now, or may have family members who are experiencing it now or had gone tremendous journey walking out of it....

 

"THE BLACK DOG"

 

Why "The black dog?"

 

I am a medical officer, psychiatry is one of my favourite subject, and I have special interest in "The Black Dog"